“The Ghost Galleon” – Chris Luedtke

We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Sometimes we don’t want to admit to these things and deny they ever happened. Other times, we admit to it, sheepishly hoping that others won’t judge to harshly. Cinema fires both pistons on a regular basis. There has been the occasional apology film (I’m still waiting for Sam Raimi to personally write to me and formally make amends for Spider-Man 3) and the frequent crap sequel (i.e. Spider-Man 3). Unfortunately, Amando de Ossorio’s third installment of the Blind Dead series, The Ghost Galleon, comes out and announces itself with enough pride to make you choke.

According to legend, there is a ghost ship that will sometimes appear to those at sea. When it does, those who are present disappear and are never to be heard from again. While a group of models are testing out a new form of boat, guess what just happens to waltz right up their alley? If you guessed the ghost ship, you get a gold star (if you guessed anything else, you failed). Soon after the girls go missing, a rescue team composed of the other testers go out searching from them — and wouldn’t you know it, they all get stuck on the ghost ship!

Pardon my unrelenting sarcasm and prickishness, but The Ghost Galleon does not belong in this series. The Blind Dead, according to their history so far, have taken on much. Why in the hell do they have a ship? They don’t need it! And for those of you who have been paying attention, you’ll notice some continuity issues within the legend. Unfortunately, this is never explained as to why it differs for every film. Personally, I’d really like to know why. Are there more than one group of Templar Knights who have had their eyes removed? If so, why not announce it and put an end to this inane questioning?

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, the plot isn’t anything intricate. It’s rather bland and boring. Between people pondering and wondering why they are on the ship, you’ll find yourself finding meaning in the walls that confine you. Hell, I was able to learn a Bach song while this beast spun. Seriously, this film is like confinement. The tight spaces that surround the characters on the ship will soon feel like they’re closing in on you, because this film is quite a long squeeze for 89 minutes. If you do somehow manage to stick with the film long enough, you’ll notice every character has Down’s Syndrome. Seriously, the dialogue, the weak plot that basically has them sitting around trying to out-”duh” one another, the inability to try and paddle away when a big friggin’ ghost ship is approaching — all signs pointing to Down’s. You’ll reach a point where you’ll be hoping that the Templar Knights will deliver some righteous justice and end their suffering, in addition to your own.

I can’t recommend this film to anyone, except those who must see the entire Blind Dead series (much like myself). Be warned that this is just a big pile of heaping crap. The fact that this film has the audacity to call itself a part of the Blind Dead mythos is sickening. While I know the series isn’t amazing, it is still up there with some of the better horror and stands out as a unique piece. I just want to know if this was either a really bad joke or an attempt to try and get the Blind Dead to haunt every nook and cranny of the world.

Rating: ★☆☆☆

-Chris Luedkte

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